Day 3

I didn't want to get up out of bed.  I woke up early and knew the nudge was to go workout, but I just didn't.  I talked to God for a while and asked Him for comfort and some sign that He was listening, and that He wasn't distant.  When I dragged myself out of bed, I checked my emails and there was one from someone I knew, but not well, and thought maybe it was just spam.  I almost deleted it without reading, but decided out of curiosity to at least open it, and there was a message from God through someone else.  Funny how He works like that.  It encouraged me, said that she was praying for me, for strength and guidance and comfort. Just the things I needed.  Hmmmmm.  I still feel overwhelmed, lonely and apprehensive, but I know that I am not alone.
I let my daughter stay home from school this morning.  She is sleeping still.  I have to be strong for her and for my son, too.  How much should they see of my doubt?  Is it a good lesson for them to see how God provides even when we doubt?  Or do I cling to my statement that He will provide and NOT show my weakness?
I love God.  I love what He has in store for us.
God, grant me the peace that I need, give me guidance and please let me glorify You in everything that I do.

Day 2

Church was hard today for my daughter.  I don't know if it was the fact that we just got back from visiting my husband/her dad or the sleepover last night, or just the fact that Paul wasn't sitting in the chair ahead of us.  It's hard.  Sundays are the worst, because that is where we know that we are displaced the most.  I have joked to friends that I don't know where to stand anymore because I don't go to the back of the church to shake hands since Paul left.  It feels weird to sit in our "normal" seats because Paul isn't in front of us.  Funny how set in our ways we get and how unbalanced you can feel when things change.  I guess that is why most people don't care for change.

I think I am suffering from a small dose of depression.  I am tired all of the time and don't want to exercise.  I know I should, but I just can't (or don't) get off my behind and do something.  Maybe tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow we are officially back to reality.  We go back to work, school and life as we are living right now.  We will see what day 3 brings.

Testing, testing.......

I know God can do anything.  God made the universe, He made the creatures of the sky and sea, He created man in His image.  I know God can do anything, but will He do this for me?  Why should He?  Me, a repeat offender of many sins.  Me, a sorry excuse for a Christian on many days.  Me, who is greatly and perfectly loved by Him.  Blows your mind, doesn't it?  Blows mine all the time.  Brings me to self doubt, to worry, to questioning  His wisdom.  Funny, how when things are going right, there is no question that God is big, and wonderful, and full of love.  But when you don't get what you want, then it is much more difficult to sing His praises and be confident about His all encompassing power and grace and wisdom.  That is when things can get dangerous.  I get distracted.  I open myself up to thoughts about how I don't deserve anything from my heavenly Father.  He has done enough for me, why haven't I learned this lesson yet, why should He help once again?  (or at all)

For the next few months, my husband and I are separated.  Separated only geographically....not in the big "D" sense of the word.  We know that this is part of God's plan, and have stated that to ourselves and to others on many occasions.  We have spoken proudly of the fact that we KNOW that this is what we need to do.

But now, after some time has passed, the doubt creeps in.

I have to try and sell a house that is underwater by MYSELF?  Is this really what God wanted?  We have to be separated for over 2 months.  Is this really what God wanted?  We are leaving all of the things we love and find familiar to start all over again.  Is this what God really wanted us to do?  Of course, I know in my heart that yes, this is what God wanted us to do.  He made that very clear.  But now, when the shiny new excitement has worn thin and real life takes over, doubt clouds the "rightness" I just as the sun's reflection on a lake is dimmed by clouds.

Don't get me wrong.  I know that God works all things for good, that He has everything under control and that I just need to hang in there and listen, and do the work that needs to get done with His help.  It's just that sometimes that doubt creeps in and overwhelms me.  These are the times that I need to recognize what is really going on, and get down on my knees and ask for more help, not lay down in despair and let doubt win.

So, if you are reading this, pray for me.  Pray with me.  And if you need me, I will do the same for you.

I can't wait to see how this ends!

Starting today......

Lately I have been struggling with keeping anything going steady for longer than a couple of days.  I am really trying to eat more healthy, keep up with regular exercise and getting enough sleep, and have tried numerous ways to keep me going.  Like any behavior change, it is hard to make it a "habit" and it becomes frustrating, either to maintain the behavior change, or when I realize I have already blown the attempt to change at least twice during the first couple of hours of resolution.  So, I am going to try and keep myself accountable, or at least track my success and failures on "paper". 

I am eating 3 egg whites and 1 cup of oatmeal for breakfast.  I don't always feel hungry at breakfast, but know that I need to eat carbohydrates and some protein to start the day. I would have had some berries, too, but we don't have any right now.  Trip to Costco sometime this week..... I have had a cup of coffee, taken my vitamins and am ready to start the day. 

Oh, there is a two hour delay for schools.....I wonder what I can snack on while I am working from home.....that is my first temptation, or at least I know it will be.  I have my fridge stocked with healthy foods....will I choose something from there?  I have the temptation to throw all of the junk food out of the house so I am not tempted, but know that isn't fair to the rest of the family, so I need to fight through the urges to grab cookies, or dig through my daughter's leftover Halloween candy or Valentine candy, or whatever I can find....maybe today is the day that I can win?  I pray for help, and wonder if God will help me with such a small (and vain) request and know in my heart of hearts that He is willing to help me, but that I don't really want to fight, that I want to give in and eat whatever I want to....there's the rub.

God, please help me not give in.  Give me the strength to fight the temptation, and not only fight it, but to actually win today.  Please help me not compare myself to others, but be content with who I am, what I look like and remind me that You love me for me, not for what I look like.  Give me the strength to live what I believe and what I tell others to do.  Help me find You and Your help today.
Let me glorify You in what I do today. 

Day one.

I'm so over that.  Whatever.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been".  George Elliot

She was in a cab.  Chicago in the summer.  Not exactly humid, but not exactly dry.  The wind blew through her hair and she had to grasp the door handle every once in a while when the driver sped around other cabs and cars as they headed for her destination.  She felt a certain freedom sitting in the back, knowing that she had no control over the next thirty minutes of her life.  She gasped inwardly as the cab just missed hitting a cyclist.  What a rush.