Testing, testing.......

I know God can do anything.  God made the universe, He made the creatures of the sky and sea, He created man in His image.  I know God can do anything, but will He do this for me?  Why should He?  Me, a repeat offender of many sins.  Me, a sorry excuse for a Christian on many days.  Me, who is greatly and perfectly loved by Him.  Blows your mind, doesn't it?  Blows mine all the time.  Brings me to self doubt, to worry, to questioning  His wisdom.  Funny, how when things are going right, there is no question that God is big, and wonderful, and full of love.  But when you don't get what you want, then it is much more difficult to sing His praises and be confident about His all encompassing power and grace and wisdom.  That is when things can get dangerous.  I get distracted.  I open myself up to thoughts about how I don't deserve anything from my heavenly Father.  He has done enough for me, why haven't I learned this lesson yet, why should He help once again?  (or at all)

For the next few months, my husband and I are separated.  Separated only geographically....not in the big "D" sense of the word.  We know that this is part of God's plan, and have stated that to ourselves and to others on many occasions.  We have spoken proudly of the fact that we KNOW that this is what we need to do.

But now, after some time has passed, the doubt creeps in.

I have to try and sell a house that is underwater by MYSELF?  Is this really what God wanted?  We have to be separated for over 2 months.  Is this really what God wanted?  We are leaving all of the things we love and find familiar to start all over again.  Is this what God really wanted us to do?  Of course, I know in my heart that yes, this is what God wanted us to do.  He made that very clear.  But now, when the shiny new excitement has worn thin and real life takes over, doubt clouds the "rightness" I just as the sun's reflection on a lake is dimmed by clouds.

Don't get me wrong.  I know that God works all things for good, that He has everything under control and that I just need to hang in there and listen, and do the work that needs to get done with His help.  It's just that sometimes that doubt creeps in and overwhelms me.  These are the times that I need to recognize what is really going on, and get down on my knees and ask for more help, not lay down in despair and let doubt win.

So, if you are reading this, pray for me.  Pray with me.  And if you need me, I will do the same for you.

I can't wait to see how this ends!