Starting today......

Lately I have been struggling with keeping anything going steady for longer than a couple of days.  I am really trying to eat more healthy, keep up with regular exercise and getting enough sleep, and have tried numerous ways to keep me going.  Like any behavior change, it is hard to make it a "habit" and it becomes frustrating, either to maintain the behavior change, or when I realize I have already blown the attempt to change at least twice during the first couple of hours of resolution.  So, I am going to try and keep myself accountable, or at least track my success and failures on "paper". 

I am eating 3 egg whites and 1 cup of oatmeal for breakfast.  I don't always feel hungry at breakfast, but know that I need to eat carbohydrates and some protein to start the day. I would have had some berries, too, but we don't have any right now.  Trip to Costco sometime this week..... I have had a cup of coffee, taken my vitamins and am ready to start the day. 

Oh, there is a two hour delay for schools.....I wonder what I can snack on while I am working from home.....that is my first temptation, or at least I know it will be.  I have my fridge stocked with healthy foods....will I choose something from there?  I have the temptation to throw all of the junk food out of the house so I am not tempted, but know that isn't fair to the rest of the family, so I need to fight through the urges to grab cookies, or dig through my daughter's leftover Halloween candy or Valentine candy, or whatever I can find....maybe today is the day that I can win?  I pray for help, and wonder if God will help me with such a small (and vain) request and know in my heart of hearts that He is willing to help me, but that I don't really want to fight, that I want to give in and eat whatever I want to....there's the rub.

God, please help me not give in.  Give me the strength to fight the temptation, and not only fight it, but to actually win today.  Please help me not compare myself to others, but be content with who I am, what I look like and remind me that You love me for me, not for what I look like.  Give me the strength to live what I believe and what I tell others to do.  Help me find You and Your help today.
Let me glorify You in what I do today. 

Day one.

I'm so over that.  Whatever.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been".  George Elliot

She was in a cab.  Chicago in the summer.  Not exactly humid, but not exactly dry.  The wind blew through her hair and she had to grasp the door handle every once in a while when the driver sped around other cabs and cars as they headed for her destination.  She felt a certain freedom sitting in the back, knowing that she had no control over the next thirty minutes of her life.  She gasped inwardly as the cab just missed hitting a cyclist.  What a rush.

Letting Go

My son is growing up.  My mother is dying.  I am not as young as I think I am. Letting go is really hard.

There are some things that I can shrug my shoulders at, and ultimately know that I have no control over, like getting older.  I still giggle when I think about my age.  It doesn't seem right.  I still feel young, but when I see someone the age I think I am, I have to stop and do the head shaking thing and deal with/ignore it.

The other two subjects are harder to think about. To deal with.  To comprehend. 

My baby is 17.  He has a girlfriend, a driver's license and a bright and beautiful mind of his own.  Long gone are the days when I could grab his arm, pull him close and plant a kiss on his cheek.  Long gone are the days when he needed me to do something for him that involved me being his mommy.  I know that you have to let go.  I know I don't have to quite yet, but the day is coming.  Letting go is really hard.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer a year ago.  At that time, she was given 3 years or so.  She is undergoing treatment, not aggressive treatment, but what is being done has made a difference.  When I am brave enough to ask my dad what the doctors have said about longevity, he shrugs and says it doesn't work that way.  The doctors ask her how she is feeling, and they go with that.  She feels good.  Go with that.  Letting go is really hard.

I know that the days are coming.  Letting go is going to be really hard.

So here goes.....

So, other than writing the occasional business letter and answering emails, and posting on FB, I don't think I have seriously written anything for a very long time.  So here goes....do I remember what to do?  If you don't get it, that's okay.  It's more for me than for you.....

WALLS

Second seat, second row.

1st bathroom stall.

"Hi, How are you?"  "Good, you?"

Smile, look away.

The me they see, not the me I am.